Boundaries, Relationships and Emotional Intimacy
The quality of our relationships directly impacts the quality of our lives, making quality relationships is number one to finding fulfilment in life. To understand how to build quality relationships we need to understand the four levels of boundaries that you will have with different people and appreciate that not everyone we meet in life wants or is capable of emotional intimacy. The key is to understand where in the levels of boundaries each of our relationships with other people sit.
Most people we meet in life will just reside in the acquaintances level our largest level of relationships in life, then just as the circles for each level get smaller in the diagram below, so too does the number of people we will have in our life in each level of relationships. To put it bluntly - it is the quality of the relationships we have in our life, not the quantity, that will ultimately decide our life experiences.
4 Boundary levels in relationships
There are different levels of emotional transparency between each of the different levels in relationships. There is a delicate balance when it comes to boundaries. There are different levels of boundaries depending on the relationship situation. A boundary is how much of ourselves or how many aspects of ourselves, are we willing to make available to someone else. Learning the different boundary levels allows us to be ourselves with others without oversharing or crossing lines. Have you ever been in a middle of a conversation and suddenly there is an awkward silence? That is the silent sound of a boundary line being crossed.
The outer boundary level are those relationships we have which are purely activity based. They are people we come into contact with through our proximity. This is a very superficial relationship, we have a connection in an activity that we share, we may work with them, they may attend the same sport or hobby group as we do, or they may be family members but would you spend time with these people if you didn’t work with them or they weren’t in the same group, family, club, workplace etc ? If the answer is no, then they fall into the acquaintances level. Most workplace relationships fall into this level as the workplace environment is a classic example of activity sharing, we have a particular skill set and we are sharing that skill set with someone else and what takes up 99% of your conversation is work related. You have a outer level acquaintance relationship.
Then organically at work and through doing the sport or hobbies we love we will connect with some people more deeply through our interactions and then they move into the second level of our boundaries. This is where we are interacting based on activities and ideas. We begin sharing different aspect of ourselves that seem to be appropriate to the connection we are experiencing with this person. We begin to share our ideas or philosophy on others parts of life. For example we may express our point of view on parenting or finances. We share another part of ourselves that is not based purely on activity we share. If the person doesn’t agree with or have similar values, we will realise that they the relationship boundaries will remain in the acquaintances level of being purely activity based only. If the person resonates with our ideas and values we have shared then the relationship will continue to grow.
As the relationship grows and we now connect with this person on an activity level and ideas level we feel comfortable to share even more of our values, our thought and our feelings. We have a relationship based on honesty and reciprocity with others and now we consider this person a good friend. Someone you can be vulnerable with and there is a genuineness if wanting to meet each others needs. You make time to catch up with them. You can rely on them.
The inner circle is the smallest and rarest circle of relationships in life. Most people will only have 1 or 2 people in their inner circle or some people don’t have any, some may be extremely fortunate and have 3 or 4 but for most people there will only be 1 or 2 people that we will connect with deeply. The inner circle is where there is activity and experience sharing, there is idea sharing galore and a full overlap of values. It is where full emotional intimacy can occur.
To be able to function in an emotionally intimate way in your inner circle relationships both people must share three core values;
Growth - open to things being different and evolving
Health - we don’t own our bodies we borrow them and health and maintaining our bodies is crucial
Finances - financially stability provides emotional stability
To achieve an emotionally intimate relationship both people need to be;
Available for each other. Their partner can easily get their attention and the relationship is prioritised.
Responsive to each other. Their partner responds when they need comfort or to connect. Partners look out for each other’s cues that they need support.
Engaged fully. There is a deep sense of trust and each partner can be open and honest about deepest and darkest issues. Celebrating the joys and support through the hurt and there is a genuine care and concern for you. Will keep your confidence and let you express all of you
In order to be able to achieve inner circles relationships and open ourselves up to others, we need to become emotionally fit as adults. As babies we are all born 100% co-dependant and we rely fully on our parents and caretakers to regulate and sooth our emotions. As we develop into adults the key is to realise our own ability to make ourselves feel good and sooth our own emotions and become emotionally intimate with ourselves. If we don’t learn this during adolescence, when we leave our parents nests we then expect our partners to make us feel good and regulate our emotions. When we do that we are actually outsourcing our own personal growth journey to our relationship and placing unrealistic expectations on our partner. Nobody else is responsible for our emotions but us. We can only have relationships with others to the extent we have a relationship with ourselves.
If this blog has resonated with you and if you want to delve in deeper to understanding emotional fitness and intimacy and how it can improve your relationships - then click the link below to connect !